Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Where are you guys?
Drunk
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
