a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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