i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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