Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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