I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
COCAINE IS GR8
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
