Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
