I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful