you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
