Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
