Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
