My brain says no but my pants say off.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
