Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
