I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
