woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
