Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
