he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
