Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
