I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
she pinky promised me she was 18
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
