i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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