So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
