At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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