dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
