Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Randomize
