Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
