don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
