my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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