I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
