I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize