and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You need a sexual gate keeper
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I think I just sharted jello shots
You left your phone here
Wait...
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