i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
