god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
