new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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