JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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