Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Randomize
