I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
True strength comes from lack of pants
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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