Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
