cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
