just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
