the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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