Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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