I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
