So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
