I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
