i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
