his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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