Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
