Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
