Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
