One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
