my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
