She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
