my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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