I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
