there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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